EPL Merry Go Round

kacey

Arsenal– Oh my God it’s you, I never thought I’d see you here. Looks like all is well, like you’re having a hell of a good time. 2 trophies in 2 attempts. And Here comes the League. Deer god, am I actually saying this?

Manchester City– If you ain’t got two trophies by March. You’re probably gonna be sacked alone. Least that’s what tradition told you. And it don’t matter if you don’t believe, Come Sunday morning, you best be unemployed like you’re supposed to.

Manchester United- If you’re ever gonna find a silver lining It’s gotta be a cloudy day It’s gotta be a cloudy day. If you wanna fill your bottle up with lightning You’re gonna have to stand in the rain You’re gonna have to stand in the rain. And Moyes brought a lot of rain.

Chelsea– Follow your Torres and miss lots of goals.

Liverpool- So keep it to yourself, If you think that you’ll win trophies, Put ’em on a shelf. **looks at shelf, seems empty**

Everton- Im out of songs, so yeah, they just dont have the money needed to compete with the top 5.

Spurs- Now they have the money, but they just dont have quality needed, at all levels, players, managers, Board members.

Stoke– With FM Legend Bojan in tow, Top 10 finish is in the cards

West Ham is the new Stoke. Piss enough folks to finish in the top half of the table.

Swansea- At this point, I’m running out of clubs, so first come first serve. They still have Bony, but no Michu magic.

Newcastle- The French National Team will struggle to adapt in the first season in england but will recover nice enough

Hull City– Steve Bruce just lost Shane Long, so that’s a positive.

Crystal Palace– Assuming they get Zaha back, they’ll avoid relegation again.

QPR– Old boy ‘Arry is back. And he’s looking to prove he didnt make a mistake taking the job. Wonder how many of his old crew he brings back

Aston Villa– Poor Paul Lambert, just keep getting the shaft. Benteke scores enough goals to get sold in the winter.

Southampton– Lose your manager to spurs, lose half your squad to Liverpool. And sign Shane Long. Welp.

West Brom– shits gone all wrong since they couldnt resign Lukaku on loan. New manager, Anelka, and maybe new league

Sunderland-Jozy Scores Goals, Jozy Score Goals? Jozy score goals, lololol.

Leicester– Tough break for them, I just remembered they got promoted

Burnley – Somebody has to finish last, might as well be them

What to Watch For

  • I finished Fringe, i review it later
  • I start Sopranos soon
  • Oh yeah, EPL SEASON BABY
  • I apologize for nothing, your fault for reading this dribble

 

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Breaking BadAttempt at Writing

Thierry: Blow the whistle already Webb, start the match. I dont like getting up this early

Eric: I wonder if the players make their pilgrimage to the MJ statue before or after the match.

EC:

>>>>The following conversation has been redacted because you are a DISH Network Subscriber.<<<<<

TH: Podolski 2 goals, he aint bad, but he aint French. I love me some French boys

EC: I know you do.

EC: Full time, Arsene survives another day. To the next one Thierry, bring the pot stickers.

>>>>>>>The Rest of the Saturday and Sunday Matches have been voided because you landed on Jackpot on the Time Warner Wheel of Death, your neighbor may have NBCSN Extra Time, but you wont<<<<<<<

TH: Eric, get the prawn sandwiches, it’s Chelsea/United time. 

EC: Fuck off.

TH: Hey look it’s Rooney, why havent the announcers mentioned that he’s playing?

EC: Fuck Off.

TH: Jose is waving, and look and there’s Rooney with hair.

EC: Fuck Off.

TH: Full time, that was fun.

EC: Fuck Off. 

What to Watch For

I Should Have Said No to this(EPL PREVIEW, sort of)

swizzle

Stay, stay, stay
I’ve been loving you for quite some time, time, time
You think that it’s funny when I’m mad, mad, mad
But I think that it’s best if we both stay, stay, stay, stay.

I just like hanging out with you all the time
All those times that you didn’t leave its been occurring to me
I’d like to hang out with you for my whole life.

Basically, what I’m trying to say, EPL, i just want you stay stay stay, dont be going away for summer break.

EPL Bare Minimum Preview

1. Chelsea

Roman to Jose, “You tell me about your past thinking your future was me.
And I know it’s long gone, and there was nothing else I could do, And I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to. Cause here we are again in the middle of the night, We’re dancing round the kitchen in the refrigerator light.
Down the stairs I was there I remember it all too well
And maybe we got lost in translation. Maybe I asked for too much. But maybe this thing was a masterpiece. Till you tore it all up, Running scared, I was there I remember it all too well.” Maybe things will different this time, Roman. Maybe not

2. Manchester City– Another name goes up in lights. You wonder if you’ll make it out alive. And they’ll tell you now, you’re the lucky one. Yeah, they’ll tell you now, you’re the lucky one. Can you tell me now, you’re the lucky one, oh, oh, oh Pellegrini, you better make the Knockout Stages of the Champions Leauge

3. Manchester United– Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes. Tell myself its time now, gotta let go. But moving on from him is impossible. When I still see it all in my head. Burning reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed! Loving him was red! Old Man Fergie, you’ll be missed on the touchline.

4. Arsenal– No apologies, he’ll never see you cry. Pretends he doesn’t know that he’s the reason why. You’re drowning, you’re drowning. You’re drowning-ing-ing-ing-ing. Oh Goonies supporters, when will you know that Wenger When will you know Wenger was trouble when he walked in? Trouble, trouble, trouble!

5. Spurs– And this is when the feeling sinks in. I don’t wanna miss you like this.

Come back… Bale here. Come back… Bale here.

I guess you are not in London today, I don’t wanna need you this way.

Come back… Bale here. Come back… Bale here

6. Liverpool–  Suarez to Rodgers, “We are never, ever, ever getting back to the Champions League, We are never, ever, ever getting back to the Champions League. You go talk to your Chairman, talk to my Agent, talk to me, but We are never, ever, ever getting back to the Champions League.”

7. Everton– Yeah we’re happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time
It’s miserable and magical oh yeah. We have an owner doesnt like to spend, and it’s time. Cause I dont know about you, but they dont look like they could field a squad of twenty twoooooooooooooooo.

8. West Brom– And I don’t know how it gets better than this last season, Hodgson,  You take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless back to midtable battle.

9. Norwich–  they aren’t a fairytale, they aren’t the ones who’ll sweep you off your feet with their style. Leading them up the standings. And it’s too late for you and your white Horse, Grant Holt for me to care.

10. Swansea– And I said hello, little did I know….. That you were Michu, you were scoring golazos. And my Chairman said stay away from my Juliet. And I was crying on the staircase, Begging you please don’t go, and I said Michu take me somewhere we can be alone. I’ll be waiting all there’s left to do is run, You’ll be the prince and I’ll be the princess

It’s a love story baby just say yes and say no to the European Giants.

11. Stoke– You come around and the armor falls. Pierce the room like a cannonball. Now all we know, is dont let go. We are alone just you and me, Up in your room and our slates are clean, Just twin fire signs, four blue eyes- Tony Pullis to himself in the mirror

12. Fulham– Oh Berba, Drop everything now, meet me in the pouring rain. Kiss me on the sidewalk, take away the pain, ‘Cause I see sparks fly

Whenever you scoooooooooore, gooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalssssssssssssssss.

13. Aston Villa– Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find. That what you’re looking for has been here the whole time. If you could see that I’m the one who understands you. Been here all along, so Benteke why can’t you see?

You, you belong with Villa, you belong with Villa

14. Newcastle– So don’t you worry your pretty little mind. People throw rocks at things that shine. And life makes love look hard. The stakes are high, the water’s rough, but this squad is yours. Your french revolution will surely work again, Pardew.

15. Hull City– Alex and Steve Bruce on Hull City chances, “This slope is treacherous. This path is reckless. This slope is treacherous. And I, I, I like it.”

16. West Ham– I’ll bet you got pushed around, somebody made you cold, Big Sam. But the cycle ends right now ’cause you can’t lead me down that trap door. And you don’t know what you don’t know that, all you’re ever gonna be is mean. And Fat. And a Mediocre manager at Upton Park

17. Cardiff– Another club from Wales. They dont get another Swifty.

18. Sunderland– And you throw your head back laughing,  Like a little kid…I think it’s strange that you think I’m funny, Cause he never did…And I’ve been spending the last 8 months wondering how you’ll blow up, and then on a Wednesday at a Cafe, I saw you sign Jozy Altidore. The Relegation fight and the search for a new manager,  Begins Again.

19. Southampton– Music starts playin’ like the end of a sad movie. It’s the kinda ending you don’t really wanna see. ‘Cause it’s tragedy and it’ll only bring you down. Now I don’t know what to be without you around, oh that’s right no one will care if you go down, so you can go ahead and breathe.

20. Crystal Palace– Ian Holloway on Wilfried Zaha no longer being there, “He’s the reason for the teardrops on my guitar. The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star.” Actually I could see Ian saying that

And Now for the Sad Part- I had all those songs in my library, some that I actually paid for. And well you had to read that. I’m not really sorry. But this part I am, no Boobs today.

My Dog just unleashed a hellish fart, so I’m out

 

I, for one, welcome our new Moyes Overload

Moyes

So it has come to this, I’m producing cheap, not even close to being called photoshop work. And for the first time since I’ve been following the sport, there will be someone else calling the shots at Manchester United(that’s if you don’t include the time Doctor Who was the manager).

Sir Alex Ferguson announced his retirement, and the news was so big that United even sent me an email stating that he did. The old man did leave us with a nice going away present, a 20th league title. Unfortunately he also left us with David Moyes. Well maybe he’ll find us a midfielder.

Still mad they didn’t give me a call, my European Experience at QPR and Inter is outstanding, surely I could replicate that at United.

Anyways here’s my predictions for the upcoming summer.

In

  • Gareth Bale?- No just kidding, not spending that kind of cash, but they are in need of a Winger, and not Jeff.
  • CR7?- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, no.
  • Someone from Dortmund?- Possibly, maybe Lewandowski, maybe not. Rues? Nope. Shit no one then.
  • Baines?- Fuck me it’s gonna be him right?

Out

  • Rooney- Fat Boy wants to go, let him.
  • Anderson- Second Fat boy wants to go, definitely let him.
  • Nani/Ashley Young/Valencia- two of those three are gone. If you can get Bale, make it all 3.

What really happens

I think Rooney goes, and so do Ando, Nani and Ashley Young. There’s probably around 40-45 Million Pounds(money not Rooney and Ando’s combine weight, though it’s close) to spend on targets. With Wilfred Zaha already in, then I would hope they would make a play for Bale if Spurs don’t make the Champions League. Otherwise it will Baines or Fellaini and the window will shut with nothing else.

Chelsea will sign Mourihno and Falcao and will never lose a match again. Liverpool will finish 6th, cause Stewart Downing, Arry will spend more QPR money before leaving for a Premier League Side. No one will give Rafa a job. I will make more bad attempts at photoshopping items. Goonies will win their 4th place trophy. NBC and FOX will take away my SSN and more importantly my Olivia Godfrey…Jews.Boobs. Not in that order.

What to Watch For

  • Great GATsby will be a stinker(movie wise, not financially, people are stupid)
  • Dear god, I might do another one of these before the day is over.
  • Seriously I might do another one.
  • The Evil Castrohead Rises.
  • Probably Not Happy Endings, fucking ABC, more on that later, maybe

The One with the Fake…………..

 

 

After spending much of my week skyping with Manti Te’o’s Girlfriend, I sat down for another weekend of premier league action. Games on the docket included a club who’s premier league survival is as real as Lennay Kekua, a club who’s manager who’s jumped the shark, and a match that was absent of optimal conditions.

QPR vs West Ham

Another London Darby for the Rangers, 3 in 3, saw the debut goal from FIFA fanatic Loic Remy, and another point for ‘Arry’s great escape challenge. Getting ever closer to getting that PS Trophy for it. Big Sam on the other hand, tried his best to make me hate the sport. Oh, I bet Joe Cole plays PES, that bastard

Chelsea vs Arsenal

Another London Darby, Arsenal fresh off charging their fans $100 for seats used some of that cash to grant Theo Walcott an £100,000 a week contract. Money well spent, now lets watch him fail at crossing the ball cause the gaffer sends him out wide. And for the second week in a row, Arsenal again showed off that they are practicing American Football, as another players was tackled in the box(Rugby tackled as those brits call it). Oh yeah, Fat Rafa still sucks and that’s a fact.

Manchester United vs Spurs

Finally not a London darby, as we saw the old man, send out a lineup with 5 midfielders, none of which were Wingers(Jeff, Community back in two weeks, on NBC).

Let me regroup from that comma fest.

Van Persie scores, Dempsey scores and we all had a merry fucking christmas

Ian Darke loves America

This week in Ian Darke Loves America, Fat Frank and the LA Galaxy were the feature subject. We also had a rare appearance from Ian Dark Hates America, hey Ian how about giving us a fucking warning before spoiling results elsewhere.

What To Watch For

Stay Anal(ytically)

Welcome Back

 

 

I’m back from the gutter and I’ve brought someone with me. Well it took till the new year to forget about posting, and I’m sure you were all disappointed. I mean where else could you get hard hitting analysis on the English Soccer scene.

That being said(which I dont think was much) I’m going back to my roots, back to pics and gifs of chicks with big racks.(Aren’t You Glad I Didn’t Continue The Rhyme?) And if there is time, soccer.

QPR vs Tottenham 

Ah yes, the early 6 AM Kickoff, my favorite. Who doesnt like waking up early after a late night of TV Watching and beer drinking? Who doesnt like watching two teams kick the ball around on 3 hours of sleep?  Normally this guy would like it, but the 90 minutes of inaction at Loftus Road was not what the doctor ordered. Happy Time ‘Arry sent out a daring 4-6-0 formation, while Spurs sent out Adebayor. It went exactly how you thought it would. Oof.

Super Sunday Action

The rest of the Saturday games were dreadful, so lets move on to Super Sunday Action. And well it was dominated by the Manchester Clubs. On one side you have Scousers doing their best to not racial abuse someone and pretend like they are still a big club, and on the other side you have Theo Walcott as your top forward.

Not Surprisingly neither side stood a chance against the Manchester Opponents. A certain Robin Van Persie made his presence known and well a James Milner went back in time to discover his talent to lead their clubs to victory.

What To Watch For

Have a Ho Ho Oh god Chelsea scored again

Well that certainly was a pretty lame end of the world. I was expecting more boobs, but alas we’ll just have(**Torres has scored again**) to settle for close ups of Interim Manager Rafa Benitez.

The Christmas period has arrive which can olny mean, IFC will show R-Kelly’s Trapped in the Closet on a loop for 48 hours **Hazard Scores** no of course I mean we have a flurry of 4 fixtures dates and a comatose posture as we sight through countless of hours of EPL action.

**Lampard Scores**

Manchester United vs Swansea-

Saying all that, I spent the first fixture date watching only one game. And what a game, we only had someone murdered, more amazingly a scouser or a jew wasnt involved. **Some 16 year old of the streets scores for Chelsea** SAF countered that attempted murder by bringing in Paul Scholes. Eye for an Eye. After all, it’s the Christmas Spirit.

The Rest

Now I didnt watch another match, but I did catch glimpses of some of the action, so here’s a quick wrap up.**Jonah hill just scored for Chelsea**  Arsenal decides it cant trust their strikers to score, so they must continue to dive. Happy Time “Arry Magic seems to have skipped the trip to Newcastle(I wouldnt go there either). And Villa must have gotten into the Eggnog a bit earlier cause everyone scored. It was like a Jewish whore house at Christmas.

What to Watch For

  • All the EPL action
  • Jew kids get really sad looking for a tree(This has jumped the shark I bet)
  • ** John Terry scored with everyone’s wife/GF and bulged the old onion bag for another goal**
  • Merry Christmas