EPL Merry Go Round

kacey

Arsenal– Oh my God it’s you, I never thought I’d see you here. Looks like all is well, like you’re having a hell of a good time. 2 trophies in 2 attempts. And Here comes the League. Deer god, am I actually saying this?

Manchester City– If you ain’t got two trophies by March. You’re probably gonna be sacked alone. Least that’s what tradition told you. And it don’t matter if you don’t believe, Come Sunday morning, you best be unemployed like you’re supposed to.

Manchester United- If you’re ever gonna find a silver lining It’s gotta be a cloudy day It’s gotta be a cloudy day. If you wanna fill your bottle up with lightning You’re gonna have to stand in the rain You’re gonna have to stand in the rain. And Moyes brought a lot of rain.

Chelsea– Follow your Torres and miss lots of goals.

Liverpool- So keep it to yourself, If you think that you’ll win trophies, Put ’em on a shelf. **looks at shelf, seems empty**

Everton- Im out of songs, so yeah, they just dont have the money needed to compete with the top 5.

Spurs- Now they have the money, but they just dont have quality needed, at all levels, players, managers, Board members.

Stoke– With FM Legend Bojan in tow, Top 10 finish is in the cards

West Ham is the new Stoke. Piss enough folks to finish in the top half of the table.

Swansea- At this point, I’m running out of clubs, so first come first serve. They still have Bony, but no Michu magic.

Newcastle- The French National Team will struggle to adapt in the first season in england but will recover nice enough

Hull City– Steve Bruce just lost Shane Long, so that’s a positive.

Crystal Palace– Assuming they get Zaha back, they’ll avoid relegation again.

QPR– Old boy ‘Arry is back. And he’s looking to prove he didnt make a mistake taking the job. Wonder how many of his old crew he brings back

Aston Villa– Poor Paul Lambert, just keep getting the shaft. Benteke scores enough goals to get sold in the winter.

Southampton– Lose your manager to spurs, lose half your squad to Liverpool. And sign Shane Long. Welp.

West Brom– shits gone all wrong since they couldnt resign Lukaku on loan. New manager, Anelka, and maybe new league

Sunderland-Jozy Scores Goals, Jozy Score Goals? Jozy score goals, lololol.

Leicester– Tough break for them, I just remembered they got promoted

Burnley – Somebody has to finish last, might as well be them

What to Watch For

  • I finished Fringe, i review it later
  • I start Sopranos soon
  • Oh yeah, EPL SEASON BABY
  • I apologize for nothing, your fault for reading this dribble

 

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Breaking BadAttempt at Writing

Thierry: Blow the whistle already Webb, start the match. I dont like getting up this early

Eric: I wonder if the players make their pilgrimage to the MJ statue before or after the match.

EC:

>>>>The following conversation has been redacted because you are a DISH Network Subscriber.<<<<<

TH: Podolski 2 goals, he aint bad, but he aint French. I love me some French boys

EC: I know you do.

EC: Full time, Arsene survives another day. To the next one Thierry, bring the pot stickers.

>>>>>>>The Rest of the Saturday and Sunday Matches have been voided because you landed on Jackpot on the Time Warner Wheel of Death, your neighbor may have NBCSN Extra Time, but you wont<<<<<<<

TH: Eric, get the prawn sandwiches, it’s Chelsea/United time. 

EC: Fuck off.

TH: Hey look it’s Rooney, why havent the announcers mentioned that he’s playing?

EC: Fuck Off.

TH: Jose is waving, and look and there’s Rooney with hair.

EC: Fuck Off.

TH: Full time, that was fun.

EC: Fuck Off. 

What to Watch For

I Should Have Said No to this(EPL PREVIEW, sort of)

swizzle

Stay, stay, stay
I’ve been loving you for quite some time, time, time
You think that it’s funny when I’m mad, mad, mad
But I think that it’s best if we both stay, stay, stay, stay.

I just like hanging out with you all the time
All those times that you didn’t leave its been occurring to me
I’d like to hang out with you for my whole life.

Basically, what I’m trying to say, EPL, i just want you stay stay stay, dont be going away for summer break.

EPL Bare Minimum Preview

1. Chelsea

Roman to Jose, “You tell me about your past thinking your future was me.
And I know it’s long gone, and there was nothing else I could do, And I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to. Cause here we are again in the middle of the night, We’re dancing round the kitchen in the refrigerator light.
Down the stairs I was there I remember it all too well
And maybe we got lost in translation. Maybe I asked for too much. But maybe this thing was a masterpiece. Till you tore it all up, Running scared, I was there I remember it all too well.” Maybe things will different this time, Roman. Maybe not

2. Manchester City– Another name goes up in lights. You wonder if you’ll make it out alive. And they’ll tell you now, you’re the lucky one. Yeah, they’ll tell you now, you’re the lucky one. Can you tell me now, you’re the lucky one, oh, oh, oh Pellegrini, you better make the Knockout Stages of the Champions Leauge

3. Manchester United– Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes. Tell myself its time now, gotta let go. But moving on from him is impossible. When I still see it all in my head. Burning reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed! Loving him was red! Old Man Fergie, you’ll be missed on the touchline.

4. Arsenal– No apologies, he’ll never see you cry. Pretends he doesn’t know that he’s the reason why. You’re drowning, you’re drowning. You’re drowning-ing-ing-ing-ing. Oh Goonies supporters, when will you know that Wenger When will you know Wenger was trouble when he walked in? Trouble, trouble, trouble!

5. Spurs– And this is when the feeling sinks in. I don’t wanna miss you like this.

Come back… Bale here. Come back… Bale here.

I guess you are not in London today, I don’t wanna need you this way.

Come back… Bale here. Come back… Bale here

6. Liverpool–  Suarez to Rodgers, “We are never, ever, ever getting back to the Champions League, We are never, ever, ever getting back to the Champions League. You go talk to your Chairman, talk to my Agent, talk to me, but We are never, ever, ever getting back to the Champions League.”

7. Everton– Yeah we’re happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time
It’s miserable and magical oh yeah. We have an owner doesnt like to spend, and it’s time. Cause I dont know about you, but they dont look like they could field a squad of twenty twoooooooooooooooo.

8. West Brom– And I don’t know how it gets better than this last season, Hodgson,  You take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless back to midtable battle.

9. Norwich–  they aren’t a fairytale, they aren’t the ones who’ll sweep you off your feet with their style. Leading them up the standings. And it’s too late for you and your white Horse, Grant Holt for me to care.

10. Swansea– And I said hello, little did I know….. That you were Michu, you were scoring golazos. And my Chairman said stay away from my Juliet. And I was crying on the staircase, Begging you please don’t go, and I said Michu take me somewhere we can be alone. I’ll be waiting all there’s left to do is run, You’ll be the prince and I’ll be the princess

It’s a love story baby just say yes and say no to the European Giants.

11. Stoke– You come around and the armor falls. Pierce the room like a cannonball. Now all we know, is dont let go. We are alone just you and me, Up in your room and our slates are clean, Just twin fire signs, four blue eyes- Tony Pullis to himself in the mirror

12. Fulham– Oh Berba, Drop everything now, meet me in the pouring rain. Kiss me on the sidewalk, take away the pain, ‘Cause I see sparks fly

Whenever you scoooooooooore, gooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalssssssssssssssss.

13. Aston Villa– Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find. That what you’re looking for has been here the whole time. If you could see that I’m the one who understands you. Been here all along, so Benteke why can’t you see?

You, you belong with Villa, you belong with Villa

14. Newcastle– So don’t you worry your pretty little mind. People throw rocks at things that shine. And life makes love look hard. The stakes are high, the water’s rough, but this squad is yours. Your french revolution will surely work again, Pardew.

15. Hull City– Alex and Steve Bruce on Hull City chances, “This slope is treacherous. This path is reckless. This slope is treacherous. And I, I, I like it.”

16. West Ham– I’ll bet you got pushed around, somebody made you cold, Big Sam. But the cycle ends right now ’cause you can’t lead me down that trap door. And you don’t know what you don’t know that, all you’re ever gonna be is mean. And Fat. And a Mediocre manager at Upton Park

17. Cardiff– Another club from Wales. They dont get another Swifty.

18. Sunderland– And you throw your head back laughing,  Like a little kid…I think it’s strange that you think I’m funny, Cause he never did…And I’ve been spending the last 8 months wondering how you’ll blow up, and then on a Wednesday at a Cafe, I saw you sign Jozy Altidore. The Relegation fight and the search for a new manager,  Begins Again.

19. Southampton– Music starts playin’ like the end of a sad movie. It’s the kinda ending you don’t really wanna see. ‘Cause it’s tragedy and it’ll only bring you down. Now I don’t know what to be without you around, oh that’s right no one will care if you go down, so you can go ahead and breathe.

20. Crystal Palace– Ian Holloway on Wilfried Zaha no longer being there, “He’s the reason for the teardrops on my guitar. The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star.” Actually I could see Ian saying that

And Now for the Sad Part- I had all those songs in my library, some that I actually paid for. And well you had to read that. I’m not really sorry. But this part I am, no Boobs today.

My Dog just unleashed a hellish fart, so I’m out

 

I, for one, welcome our new Moyes Overload

Moyes

So it has come to this, I’m producing cheap, not even close to being called photoshop work. And for the first time since I’ve been following the sport, there will be someone else calling the shots at Manchester United(that’s if you don’t include the time Doctor Who was the manager).

Sir Alex Ferguson announced his retirement, and the news was so big that United even sent me an email stating that he did. The old man did leave us with a nice going away present, a 20th league title. Unfortunately he also left us with David Moyes. Well maybe he’ll find us a midfielder.

Still mad they didn’t give me a call, my European Experience at QPR and Inter is outstanding, surely I could replicate that at United.

Anyways here’s my predictions for the upcoming summer.

In

  • Gareth Bale?- No just kidding, not spending that kind of cash, but they are in need of a Winger, and not Jeff.
  • CR7?- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, no.
  • Someone from Dortmund?- Possibly, maybe Lewandowski, maybe not. Rues? Nope. Shit no one then.
  • Baines?- Fuck me it’s gonna be him right?

Out

  • Rooney- Fat Boy wants to go, let him.
  • Anderson- Second Fat boy wants to go, definitely let him.
  • Nani/Ashley Young/Valencia- two of those three are gone. If you can get Bale, make it all 3.

What really happens

I think Rooney goes, and so do Ando, Nani and Ashley Young. There’s probably around 40-45 Million Pounds(money not Rooney and Ando’s combine weight, though it’s close) to spend on targets. With Wilfred Zaha already in, then I would hope they would make a play for Bale if Spurs don’t make the Champions League. Otherwise it will Baines or Fellaini and the window will shut with nothing else.

Chelsea will sign Mourihno and Falcao and will never lose a match again. Liverpool will finish 6th, cause Stewart Downing, Arry will spend more QPR money before leaving for a Premier League Side. No one will give Rafa a job. I will make more bad attempts at photoshopping items. Goonies will win their 4th place trophy. NBC and FOX will take away my SSN and more importantly my Olivia Godfrey…Jews.Boobs. Not in that order.

What to Watch For

  • Great GATsby will be a stinker(movie wise, not financially, people are stupid)
  • Dear god, I might do another one of these before the day is over.
  • Seriously I might do another one.
  • The Evil Castrohead Rises.
  • Probably Not Happy Endings, fucking ABC, more on that later, maybe

Better than a Canadian-Mexican War

Since we’ve last met, so many things have happened, none of which include the posting of a new blog. Whoops? To be fair, I had about 4 different drafts going, including a EPL wrap-up  a rage on the Champions League, and Taylor Swift takedown on those taking down Taylor Swift, and of course a meaningless sideboob update, well not meaningless.

But alas those will remain a mystery, stacked alongside my Cubs prospects bust and Year in Review entries.

Here’s what you’ve all been waiting for, my semi half-ass review of the action on the weekend.

QPR vs Sunderland

In a relegation six pointer, Happy Time ‘Arry trip to Dubai might well have saved the season. Who knew that all a footballer needed was a few nights of beer and carefree action. I think ‘Arry invented the Footy Slump Buster. Goals from Remy, Jenas and Townsend, might well be money half well spent. Good to know that at least they did something before the club goes into administration.

Manchester United vs Chelsea 

After being robbed of another Champions League season, United were in no mood to shake people hands, and boy did that cause a storm. In a match filled with chants on Fat Rafa being awful in unison from both supporters, a Hazard Warning was put out on a Raging Belgian itching to bulge the ol onion bag.

While Rafa’s one move worked out, the other was Torres, so predictable was awful. So awful was Torres that he started going to ground rather clumsily, hell he wasnt even in the box that dummy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hot Chick Hour

How about some Kate Upton fun?

Kate

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Find more on Operation Sports

How about Marisa Miller?

Marisa

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What to Watch For

  • The Madness has arrived.
  • Mila Kunis is the best
  • I’m back into collecting Cards, so expect some crap on that in Future
  • A Cubs half-ass preview is in the works, based on my cards

I’m on Vacation

Whoops? Guess I’ve neglected this, it was bound to happen eventually after 4-5 months of weekly updates. If I am to place blame on why, I’m going to quote a certain John McClane, “I’m on Vacation.”

Fear not, I haven’t lost my love for the game(and other sports) no wait, fuck it. Y’all dont need a thought out explanation. I’m lazy.

Moving On to more pressing matters

Follow the bouncing, OSCAR Winner!

In a new twist surely to confuse the lone poor soul who read this, I’m switching this up for this week, gone is the recap of the EPL and enters is a recap of the EPL and other stuff.

Manchester United vs QPR

In a match that cut down on my weekly EPL review material, The Da Silva Family reunion was marred by a Rafael golazo who desperately searched for his brother Fabio only to realize he was nowhere to be found.  The rest was a rather pedestrian match of footy that even Rex Ryan would be ashamed to upload to the internet.

A Van Persie injury that was long overdue has caused a great concern to Gus Johnson who must now prepare himself to pronounce “Chicharito,”  for the return leg at Old Trafford.

Manchester City vs Chelsea

Speaking of Gus, the fine folks over at fox soccer have made the courageous decision to trot out Gus for his premier league debut at the Ethiad. And much like Torres in front of goal he was hit or miss, with miss leading the pack.

Not to pick on Gus though, I mean he was taught by the best in Rafa who has moved on from fixing to Torres to not Fixing Gus for the American Audience.

Daytona 500

And here begins the first left turn of the blog with the introduction of the Nascar segment. The start of the nascar season signify the start of Spring which to me means the start of baseball season, so I take the left turns and the Erin Andrews in gear.

Spring Training

Nothing really much to say here other than how fucking awesome is that baseball is back?

What to Watch For

  • World Baseball Classic- Baseball starts early, yay.
  • The Goonies mass suicide watch, West Londan Darby time
  • Boobs. Always watch for Boobs

Flip the table before the lights go out, too late.

When the lights, go down, in the city

 

Call me the Da Silva twins. I spent most of the year watching two clubs, one at the top of the table, and one at the bottom of the table. Much like Rafael and Fabio.

QPR vs Norwich

Another dreadful match to wake up for. So dreadful I ignored the blaring alarm for most of the 1st half. Judging from the lack of highlights, ‘Arry might have allowed Odemwinge to enter the premises.  Adel Taarabt once again proving my early hypothesis of being the most frustrating player in the league. Moving in and out and then failing to cross balls in and having penalties saves.  Fucking The Rat. Luckily for Tony Fernandes the window has shut and he can’t lose more money. Side note, Ian Darke Loves Mexico is gaining steam.

Fulham vs Manchester United

And now we flip the table, top of the league United against the Berba-less Cottagers. Not surprisingly the game lacked quality without him. Luckily for United, Fulham went Full Senderos, and you never go Full Senderos.

Newcastle vs Chelsea

Demba Ba’s return to Tyneside well was memorable to say the least. One broken nose later and Ba is glad to be in London. The match was another example of the sheer brilliance of Rafa Benitez. 2-1 lead in 2nd half, 3-2 defeat. So let’s recap, Ba is broken, Cisse chokes a Cole not named Cheryl,(though Ashley likes it too) and Popeye Pardew’s French Connection strikes Rafa down. Fact.

The Best of the Rest

Michael Owen is very familiar with the Stoke Way. The Fellaini Afro strikes again. The Bale Knight has Risen. Scousers suck

What to Watch For

  • The Puppy Bowl, I took the over(12) of Cute Puppies spotted.
  • Community, we’re 4 days away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Because Journey.