EPL Merry Go Round

kacey

Arsenal– Oh my God it’s you, I never thought I’d see you here. Looks like all is well, like you’re having a hell of a good time. 2 trophies in 2 attempts. And Here comes the League. Deer god, am I actually saying this?

Manchester City– If you ain’t got two trophies by March. You’re probably gonna be sacked alone. Least that’s what tradition told you. And it don’t matter if you don’t believe, Come Sunday morning, you best be unemployed like you’re supposed to.

Manchester United- If you’re ever gonna find a silver lining It’s gotta be a cloudy day It’s gotta be a cloudy day. If you wanna fill your bottle up with lightning You’re gonna have to stand in the rain You’re gonna have to stand in the rain. And Moyes brought a lot of rain.

Chelsea– Follow your Torres and miss lots of goals.

Liverpool- So keep it to yourself, If you think that you’ll win trophies, Put ’em on a shelf. **looks at shelf, seems empty**

Everton- Im out of songs, so yeah, they just dont have the money needed to compete with the top 5.

Spurs- Now they have the money, but they just dont have quality needed, at all levels, players, managers, Board members.

Stoke– With FM Legend Bojan in tow, Top 10 finish is in the cards

West Ham is the new Stoke. Piss enough folks to finish in the top half of the table.

Swansea- At this point, I’m running out of clubs, so first come first serve. They still have Bony, but no Michu magic.

Newcastle- The French National Team will struggle to adapt in the first season in england but will recover nice enough

Hull City– Steve Bruce just lost Shane Long, so that’s a positive.

Crystal Palace– Assuming they get Zaha back, they’ll avoid relegation again.

QPR– Old boy ‘Arry is back. And he’s looking to prove he didnt make a mistake taking the job. Wonder how many of his old crew he brings back

Aston Villa– Poor Paul Lambert, just keep getting the shaft. Benteke scores enough goals to get sold in the winter.

Southampton– Lose your manager to spurs, lose half your squad to Liverpool. And sign Shane Long. Welp.

West Brom– shits gone all wrong since they couldnt resign Lukaku on loan. New manager, Anelka, and maybe new league

Sunderland-Jozy Scores Goals, Jozy Score Goals? Jozy score goals, lololol.

Leicester– Tough break for them, I just remembered they got promoted

Burnley – Somebody has to finish last, might as well be them

What to Watch For

  • I finished Fringe, i review it later
  • I start Sopranos soon
  • Oh yeah, EPL SEASON BABY
  • I apologize for nothing, your fault for reading this dribble

 

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Tips for US Soccer “fans”

It’s been 4 years since the lot of you have pretended to care about soccer. So there’s a chance you may have forgotten the proper USA etiquette on how to watch a 90 minute match involving the good ol US of A.

  1. When the Other team scores, make sure to scream bullshit and that’s a conspiracy.
  2. When the US doesnt score, make sure to scream bullshit and that’s a conspiracy.
  3. When the US wins, make sure to proclaim that soccer has finally arrived.
  4. When the USA loses, make sure to proclaim that no one cares about soccer anyways, and how about them Heat/Patriots/Other Bandwagon team?

There you have, enjoy the world cup

Hash a tag Burgs

mad

 

 

I said I didnt want to be a pretentious ass when the reboot happened, but here I am, ready to do a hardcore TV Snob. But really come on, wasnt that just the best of Don, Campbell and Peggy?

Oh you didnt watch it? Well you’re an ass.

Anyways, last Sundays episode led me to this very original thought. A very hitfixish attempt to rank the shows that on their very best day provided with some of the best hour(or half hour) of television that Philo Farnsworth could have envisioned.

  •  Now these happened way less as the series progressed, but Chuck enters my list at number 10. Check out the second half of Season 2 for fine examples. 2.19 is my favorite.
  • The first sitcom on my list goes to the gone too soon, Happy Endings. It started off slow, and ending slow, but it had a great middle. Season 2(there’s a theme here) is some of the best TV I’ve seen.
  • The first HBO show to find its way onto my list is Six Feet Under. A show that showcased the greatness of Peter Krause and the unsoiled, raw version of pre dexter Michael C Hall.
  • There had to be one Aaron Sorkin show on my list, even though he’s an ass, he does produce good TV. West Wing, specifically the S1 cliffhanger and the S2 two parter is 3 great hours of TV. S2 finale is also worth mentioning.
  • Second HBO show on my list is none other The Wire.The opening credits song might have changed but the quality remained the same.(well if we ignored that fifth season which we all agreed to do so)
  • Entering my top 5 is the longest running primetime TV Show(dont fact check please) in The Simpsons. The Conan O’Brien years produced so many great hours of television.
  • You didnt think I’d forget about Don Draper did you? Elisabeth Moss second show Mad Men wasnt always my favorite show, in fact I didnt much care for the first season. Actually, why is it on here? Oh yeah this.
  • Entering the top 3, and it’s back to back AMC shows with Breaking Bad. The show that will win all the awards. If you’ve seen it, then there’s no need for me to butcher it. If you havent, fuck you, check out S3/4 for full awesomeness, bitch.
  • The FX sweep of the top 2 spots begins with the adaptation of Leonard Elmore Raylan Givens short stories in Justified. Bringing back the theme, Season 2 is just must watch for any aspiring TV snob.
  • Of course the number 1 spot was going to the my favorite tv show in The Shield. Just watch it all.
  • Honorable Mentions, Scrubs, Sports Night, Futurama, Louie, and The Americans.

What To Watch For

  • Mo’s Totally True World Cup Facts looks at group C. Shut it I dont need to go in order.
  • Columbia- I’ve watch so much of Pablo Escobar stuff via History Channel and telenovelas
  • Greece- Gyros are greek food right? I like gyros
  • Ivory Coast-  It’s a fucking disgrace that this is all i got
  • Japan- I’ve owned nintendos, snes, gameboys, PS1, Ps2 and PS3s. I like a japan a products.

A Rise to Power, Wigan’s new look Leader

Wigan rises to prominence, after it’s fall from grace begins now. New manager Eric Cantona has been tasked to replace Roberto Martinez in it’s goal to gain promotion back to the Premier League.

And Cantona has been quick to change the shape of the squad, with many moves in the market already.

IN

  1. Wilfried Zaha on short term loan.
  2. Adnan Januzaj- Season Loan
  3. Yaya Sanogo- Season loan
  4. Hector Herrera- Season loan
  5. Nick Powell- Season loan
  6. Gio Casillas- $525K from Chivas
  7. Antonio Briseno – $600K from Atlas
  8. Marco Fabian on Free for 2014.

OUT

  1. Ali Al-Habsi sold for $2.5M
  2. Espinoza sold for $2.1M

Cantona’s new look team already has brought Wigan a trophy as Wigan defeated Manchester United in the Community Shield. PLaying a 4-3-3 with Zaha up top, Wigan struck first with a Zaha header, debating De Gea to the spot. United dominated the rest of the match going up 2-1 and creating many chances. A 83rd minute corner saw Gary Caldwell equalize for Wigan, and a 93rd minute quick counter saw Wilfried Zaha put in the winner from a spilled save from De Gea.

What to Watch For

  • Promotion?
  • Europa League fun
  • Deadline day exits?

Breaking BadAttempt at Writing

Thierry: Blow the whistle already Webb, start the match. I dont like getting up this early

Eric: I wonder if the players make their pilgrimage to the MJ statue before or after the match.

EC:

>>>>The following conversation has been redacted because you are a DISH Network Subscriber.<<<<<

TH: Podolski 2 goals, he aint bad, but he aint French. I love me some French boys

EC: I know you do.

EC: Full time, Arsene survives another day. To the next one Thierry, bring the pot stickers.

>>>>>>>The Rest of the Saturday and Sunday Matches have been voided because you landed on Jackpot on the Time Warner Wheel of Death, your neighbor may have NBCSN Extra Time, but you wont<<<<<<<

TH: Eric, get the prawn sandwiches, it’s Chelsea/United time. 

EC: Fuck off.

TH: Hey look it’s Rooney, why havent the announcers mentioned that he’s playing?

EC: Fuck Off.

TH: Jose is waving, and look and there’s Rooney with hair.

EC: Fuck Off.

TH: Full time, that was fun.

EC: Fuck Off. 

What to Watch For

I Should Have Said No to this(EPL PREVIEW, sort of)

swizzle

Stay, stay, stay
I’ve been loving you for quite some time, time, time
You think that it’s funny when I’m mad, mad, mad
But I think that it’s best if we both stay, stay, stay, stay.

I just like hanging out with you all the time
All those times that you didn’t leave its been occurring to me
I’d like to hang out with you for my whole life.

Basically, what I’m trying to say, EPL, i just want you stay stay stay, dont be going away for summer break.

EPL Bare Minimum Preview

1. Chelsea

Roman to Jose, “You tell me about your past thinking your future was me.
And I know it’s long gone, and there was nothing else I could do, And I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to. Cause here we are again in the middle of the night, We’re dancing round the kitchen in the refrigerator light.
Down the stairs I was there I remember it all too well
And maybe we got lost in translation. Maybe I asked for too much. But maybe this thing was a masterpiece. Till you tore it all up, Running scared, I was there I remember it all too well.” Maybe things will different this time, Roman. Maybe not

2. Manchester City– Another name goes up in lights. You wonder if you’ll make it out alive. And they’ll tell you now, you’re the lucky one. Yeah, they’ll tell you now, you’re the lucky one. Can you tell me now, you’re the lucky one, oh, oh, oh Pellegrini, you better make the Knockout Stages of the Champions Leauge

3. Manchester United– Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes. Tell myself its time now, gotta let go. But moving on from him is impossible. When I still see it all in my head. Burning reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed! Loving him was red! Old Man Fergie, you’ll be missed on the touchline.

4. Arsenal– No apologies, he’ll never see you cry. Pretends he doesn’t know that he’s the reason why. You’re drowning, you’re drowning. You’re drowning-ing-ing-ing-ing. Oh Goonies supporters, when will you know that Wenger When will you know Wenger was trouble when he walked in? Trouble, trouble, trouble!

5. Spurs– And this is when the feeling sinks in. I don’t wanna miss you like this.

Come back… Bale here. Come back… Bale here.

I guess you are not in London today, I don’t wanna need you this way.

Come back… Bale here. Come back… Bale here

6. Liverpool–  Suarez to Rodgers, “We are never, ever, ever getting back to the Champions League, We are never, ever, ever getting back to the Champions League. You go talk to your Chairman, talk to my Agent, talk to me, but We are never, ever, ever getting back to the Champions League.”

7. Everton– Yeah we’re happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time
It’s miserable and magical oh yeah. We have an owner doesnt like to spend, and it’s time. Cause I dont know about you, but they dont look like they could field a squad of twenty twoooooooooooooooo.

8. West Brom– And I don’t know how it gets better than this last season, Hodgson,  You take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless back to midtable battle.

9. Norwich–  they aren’t a fairytale, they aren’t the ones who’ll sweep you off your feet with their style. Leading them up the standings. And it’s too late for you and your white Horse, Grant Holt for me to care.

10. Swansea– And I said hello, little did I know….. That you were Michu, you were scoring golazos. And my Chairman said stay away from my Juliet. And I was crying on the staircase, Begging you please don’t go, and I said Michu take me somewhere we can be alone. I’ll be waiting all there’s left to do is run, You’ll be the prince and I’ll be the princess

It’s a love story baby just say yes and say no to the European Giants.

11. Stoke– You come around and the armor falls. Pierce the room like a cannonball. Now all we know, is dont let go. We are alone just you and me, Up in your room and our slates are clean, Just twin fire signs, four blue eyes- Tony Pullis to himself in the mirror

12. Fulham– Oh Berba, Drop everything now, meet me in the pouring rain. Kiss me on the sidewalk, take away the pain, ‘Cause I see sparks fly

Whenever you scoooooooooore, gooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalssssssssssssssss.

13. Aston Villa– Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find. That what you’re looking for has been here the whole time. If you could see that I’m the one who understands you. Been here all along, so Benteke why can’t you see?

You, you belong with Villa, you belong with Villa

14. Newcastle– So don’t you worry your pretty little mind. People throw rocks at things that shine. And life makes love look hard. The stakes are high, the water’s rough, but this squad is yours. Your french revolution will surely work again, Pardew.

15. Hull City– Alex and Steve Bruce on Hull City chances, “This slope is treacherous. This path is reckless. This slope is treacherous. And I, I, I like it.”

16. West Ham– I’ll bet you got pushed around, somebody made you cold, Big Sam. But the cycle ends right now ’cause you can’t lead me down that trap door. And you don’t know what you don’t know that, all you’re ever gonna be is mean. And Fat. And a Mediocre manager at Upton Park

17. Cardiff– Another club from Wales. They dont get another Swifty.

18. Sunderland– And you throw your head back laughing,  Like a little kid…I think it’s strange that you think I’m funny, Cause he never did…And I’ve been spending the last 8 months wondering how you’ll blow up, and then on a Wednesday at a Cafe, I saw you sign Jozy Altidore. The Relegation fight and the search for a new manager,  Begins Again.

19. Southampton– Music starts playin’ like the end of a sad movie. It’s the kinda ending you don’t really wanna see. ‘Cause it’s tragedy and it’ll only bring you down. Now I don’t know what to be without you around, oh that’s right no one will care if you go down, so you can go ahead and breathe.

20. Crystal Palace– Ian Holloway on Wilfried Zaha no longer being there, “He’s the reason for the teardrops on my guitar. The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star.” Actually I could see Ian saying that

And Now for the Sad Part- I had all those songs in my library, some that I actually paid for. And well you had to read that. I’m not really sorry. But this part I am, no Boobs today.

My Dog just unleashed a hellish fart, so I’m out