Tips for US Soccer “fans”

It’s been 4 years since the lot of you have pretended to care about soccer. So there’s a chance you may have forgotten the proper USA etiquette on how to watch a 90 minute match involving the good ol US of A.

  1. When the Other team scores, make sure to scream bullshit and that’s a conspiracy.
  2. When the US doesnt score, make sure to scream bullshit and that’s a conspiracy.
  3. When the US wins, make sure to proclaim that soccer has finally arrived.
  4. When the USA loses, make sure to proclaim that no one cares about soccer anyways, and how about them Heat/Patriots/Other Bandwagon team?

There you have, enjoy the world cup

Breaking BadAttempt at Writing

Thierry: Blow the whistle already Webb, start the match. I dont like getting up this early

Eric: I wonder if the players make their pilgrimage to the MJ statue before or after the match.

EC:

>>>>The following conversation has been redacted because you are a DISH Network Subscriber.<<<<<

TH: Podolski 2 goals, he aint bad, but he aint French. I love me some French boys

EC: I know you do.

EC: Full time, Arsene survives another day. To the next one Thierry, bring the pot stickers.

>>>>>>>The Rest of the Saturday and Sunday Matches have been voided because you landed on Jackpot on the Time Warner Wheel of Death, your neighbor may have NBCSN Extra Time, but you wont<<<<<<<

TH: Eric, get the prawn sandwiches, it’s Chelsea/United time. 

EC: Fuck off.

TH: Hey look it’s Rooney, why havent the announcers mentioned that he’s playing?

EC: Fuck Off.

TH: Jose is waving, and look and there’s Rooney with hair.

EC: Fuck Off.

TH: Full time, that was fun.

EC: Fuck Off. 

What to Watch For

I Should Have Said No to this(EPL PREVIEW, sort of)

swizzle

Stay, stay, stay
I’ve been loving you for quite some time, time, time
You think that it’s funny when I’m mad, mad, mad
But I think that it’s best if we both stay, stay, stay, stay.

I just like hanging out with you all the time
All those times that you didn’t leave its been occurring to me
I’d like to hang out with you for my whole life.

Basically, what I’m trying to say, EPL, i just want you stay stay stay, dont be going away for summer break.

EPL Bare Minimum Preview

1. Chelsea

Roman to Jose, “You tell me about your past thinking your future was me.
And I know it’s long gone, and there was nothing else I could do, And I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to. Cause here we are again in the middle of the night, We’re dancing round the kitchen in the refrigerator light.
Down the stairs I was there I remember it all too well
And maybe we got lost in translation. Maybe I asked for too much. But maybe this thing was a masterpiece. Till you tore it all up, Running scared, I was there I remember it all too well.” Maybe things will different this time, Roman. Maybe not

2. Manchester City– Another name goes up in lights. You wonder if you’ll make it out alive. And they’ll tell you now, you’re the lucky one. Yeah, they’ll tell you now, you’re the lucky one. Can you tell me now, you’re the lucky one, oh, oh, oh Pellegrini, you better make the Knockout Stages of the Champions Leauge

3. Manchester United– Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes. Tell myself its time now, gotta let go. But moving on from him is impossible. When I still see it all in my head. Burning reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed! Loving him was red! Old Man Fergie, you’ll be missed on the touchline.

4. Arsenal– No apologies, he’ll never see you cry. Pretends he doesn’t know that he’s the reason why. You’re drowning, you’re drowning. You’re drowning-ing-ing-ing-ing. Oh Goonies supporters, when will you know that Wenger When will you know Wenger was trouble when he walked in? Trouble, trouble, trouble!

5. Spurs– And this is when the feeling sinks in. I don’t wanna miss you like this.

Come back… Bale here. Come back… Bale here.

I guess you are not in London today, I don’t wanna need you this way.

Come back… Bale here. Come back… Bale here

6. Liverpool–  Suarez to Rodgers, “We are never, ever, ever getting back to the Champions League, We are never, ever, ever getting back to the Champions League. You go talk to your Chairman, talk to my Agent, talk to me, but We are never, ever, ever getting back to the Champions League.”

7. Everton– Yeah we’re happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time
It’s miserable and magical oh yeah. We have an owner doesnt like to spend, and it’s time. Cause I dont know about you, but they dont look like they could field a squad of twenty twoooooooooooooooo.

8. West Brom– And I don’t know how it gets better than this last season, Hodgson,  You take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless back to midtable battle.

9. Norwich–  they aren’t a fairytale, they aren’t the ones who’ll sweep you off your feet with their style. Leading them up the standings. And it’s too late for you and your white Horse, Grant Holt for me to care.

10. Swansea– And I said hello, little did I know….. That you were Michu, you were scoring golazos. And my Chairman said stay away from my Juliet. And I was crying on the staircase, Begging you please don’t go, and I said Michu take me somewhere we can be alone. I’ll be waiting all there’s left to do is run, You’ll be the prince and I’ll be the princess

It’s a love story baby just say yes and say no to the European Giants.

11. Stoke– You come around and the armor falls. Pierce the room like a cannonball. Now all we know, is dont let go. We are alone just you and me, Up in your room and our slates are clean, Just twin fire signs, four blue eyes- Tony Pullis to himself in the mirror

12. Fulham– Oh Berba, Drop everything now, meet me in the pouring rain. Kiss me on the sidewalk, take away the pain, ‘Cause I see sparks fly

Whenever you scoooooooooore, gooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalssssssssssssssss.

13. Aston Villa– Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find. That what you’re looking for has been here the whole time. If you could see that I’m the one who understands you. Been here all along, so Benteke why can’t you see?

You, you belong with Villa, you belong with Villa

14. Newcastle– So don’t you worry your pretty little mind. People throw rocks at things that shine. And life makes love look hard. The stakes are high, the water’s rough, but this squad is yours. Your french revolution will surely work again, Pardew.

15. Hull City– Alex and Steve Bruce on Hull City chances, “This slope is treacherous. This path is reckless. This slope is treacherous. And I, I, I like it.”

16. West Ham– I’ll bet you got pushed around, somebody made you cold, Big Sam. But the cycle ends right now ’cause you can’t lead me down that trap door. And you don’t know what you don’t know that, all you’re ever gonna be is mean. And Fat. And a Mediocre manager at Upton Park

17. Cardiff– Another club from Wales. They dont get another Swifty.

18. Sunderland– And you throw your head back laughing,  Like a little kid…I think it’s strange that you think I’m funny, Cause he never did…And I’ve been spending the last 8 months wondering how you’ll blow up, and then on a Wednesday at a Cafe, I saw you sign Jozy Altidore. The Relegation fight and the search for a new manager,  Begins Again.

19. Southampton– Music starts playin’ like the end of a sad movie. It’s the kinda ending you don’t really wanna see. ‘Cause it’s tragedy and it’ll only bring you down. Now I don’t know what to be without you around, oh that’s right no one will care if you go down, so you can go ahead and breathe.

20. Crystal Palace– Ian Holloway on Wilfried Zaha no longer being there, “He’s the reason for the teardrops on my guitar. The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star.” Actually I could see Ian saying that

And Now for the Sad Part- I had all those songs in my library, some that I actually paid for. And well you had to read that. I’m not really sorry. But this part I am, no Boobs today.

My Dog just unleashed a hellish fart, so I’m out

 

We going Cupping(Gold Style)

It’s that time of the year again, everyone’s favorite international soccer tournament, the CONCACAF Gold Cup!

Now normally this years edition would be filled with C-Star Rosters but thanks to an unusually smart decision by the federation(to make a playoffs out of these every two year tourneys) this year’s rosters are filled with plenty of B-Star Players!!

 

The Favorites

USA- Landycakes and crew will look to erase the choke job they produced in the last edition. Lucky for them Gio dos Santos wont be around this time.

 

Mexico- Well after pissing the bed most of 2013m Chepo and Crew managed to somehow make it to this date as Manager of the National Team.  Fabian and Omar Bravo will look to lead the line and defend the Gold Cup Crown.

The Rest

It doesnt really matter.

Prediction?

US will win the Gold Cup. Mexico will lose in the Semis.

Also this will be  FOX Soccer Channel’s last foray into soccer with this years coverage(the Univision Family of Networks will also broadcast)

What to Watch For

Flip the table before the lights go out, too late.

When the lights, go down, in the city

 

Call me the Da Silva twins. I spent most of the year watching two clubs, one at the top of the table, and one at the bottom of the table. Much like Rafael and Fabio.

QPR vs Norwich

Another dreadful match to wake up for. So dreadful I ignored the blaring alarm for most of the 1st half. Judging from the lack of highlights, ‘Arry might have allowed Odemwinge to enter the premises.  Adel Taarabt once again proving my early hypothesis of being the most frustrating player in the league. Moving in and out and then failing to cross balls in and having penalties saves.  Fucking The Rat. Luckily for Tony Fernandes the window has shut and he can’t lose more money. Side note, Ian Darke Loves Mexico is gaining steam.

Fulham vs Manchester United

And now we flip the table, top of the league United against the Berba-less Cottagers. Not surprisingly the game lacked quality without him. Luckily for United, Fulham went Full Senderos, and you never go Full Senderos.

Newcastle vs Chelsea

Demba Ba’s return to Tyneside well was memorable to say the least. One broken nose later and Ba is glad to be in London. The match was another example of the sheer brilliance of Rafa Benitez. 2-1 lead in 2nd half, 3-2 defeat. So let’s recap, Ba is broken, Cisse chokes a Cole not named Cheryl,(though Ashley likes it too) and Popeye Pardew’s French Connection strikes Rafa down. Fact.

The Best of the Rest

Michael Owen is very familiar with the Stoke Way. The Fellaini Afro strikes again. The Bale Knight has Risen. Scousers suck

What to Watch For

  • The Puppy Bowl, I took the over(12) of Cute Puppies spotted.
  • Community, we’re 4 days away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Because Journey.

We Amish

Breaking News

7:00 PM- Breaking New, the super amazing Thunder Snow/Sleet storm has begun. The Mayans Apocalypse has begun, now will we ever see the Sun again? Will we ever see Jay Cutler throw another interception? Will the NHL continue to do stupid things.

In my continuing attempt to ride out the end of the world, I will not list the top sports moments of the 2012 year.

7. NBC coverage of the Summer Olympics- 

6. Lance Stops Fighting- We all suspected he did. We live on strong with the knowledge that if he fought the good fight we would believe he was clean. Well that stopped, and so did our belief

5. The Final Day of the 2011-2012 EPL Season- For the first time in the US, we had an explosiveni on of EPL matches on TV, and on the final day just about every game was available to watch on basic Cable, culminating in 2 goals in the final 90 seconds to award Manchester City its first every title in 30 years.

4. Ryder Cup Meltdown- The 2012 Ryder Cup looked like it would come back to the USA. Europe needed what amounted to a Hail Mary to win. On the Final Sunday they needed all the matches to break their way, and then it happen, shots went wayward, putts missed, a Lefty meltdown, matches lost for the US. And with Tiger Woods as the anchor to possible save the day, he was render useless as Jim Fuyrk the captains choice choked away the victory on the 17th green at Medinah.

3. Infield Fly- Pixie Dust. Ah yes. But luckily Posey Dust overpowered it and we were saved from another Cardinals World Series.

2. What the World Burn-The Summers Olympics were on fucking delay, so I will delay mentioning them as welll. Lebron won a title. The world media sucked his cock for the next 3 months.

1.  It’s a Messi World Out There- 90 fucking goals in a year.

What To Watch For

So it has come to this

Soccer

 

 

It was a light weekend of action in the EPL, well for me at least. With that comes a new attempt to recap the EPL action. I’m going to **Gasp** break down the tactics. I watched two matches this weekend, at the same time, QPR v Fulham and Manchester United v Sunderland, but mainly I’ll focus on QPR. So lets see if those goes better than Gervinho’s attempts at being a goal scorer.

First thing I notice is Happy Time ‘Arry does not like Granero, probably because he didnt collect a slice of the transfer fee.

4-5-1 with SWP and Mackie on the wings turning to a 4-3-3 on the break. Now the one thing QPR has is an abundance of wingers on the roster. Which makes ‘Arry decision to play narrow rather puzzling, deciding play through the middle with The Rat(Adel Taarabt). Now maybe it’s just me, but I would rather play a wider game, getting the ball out to the wings, and having them cross in balls to the six yard box. Force the Keeper and defenders to make a decision.

Great example of this comes from the other match I was watching, United/Sunderland. SAF comes out in a 4-4-2, with two wingers in Young and Valencia. Their center midfielders job is to get the ball out wide to Young and Valencia who then cross the ball or give it to Evra or Rafael on the overlap who then cross it in. It’s a a tried and true tactic that has led to a few titles for SAF. You look at two of the goals from this game, they come from playing it out wide and crossing it in.

Now playing through the middle isnt bad, it works, but usually you need a top flight midfielder, like Xavi, Iniesta, Pirlo or Michael Carrick. You need to have the right spacing, you need the Triangles.

What you get from QPR is The Rat dribbling, dribbling, dribbling, then a dumpster fire. 40th minute was the first time QPR crossed the ball in. Next cross didnt occur until the 60th minute, Cisse rattled the crossbar with a header. But by then The Rat had stuck with a shitty deflected goal. Ten minutes later The Rat had a sensational run through the middle, and scored a wonder goal. So what the fuck do I know?

Well this was rather dreadful to write, like a Fellaini blow to the head. So there will be none of this anymore. Back to bad puns and boob pics.

What to Watch For

  • The End of the World is upon us, so there’s that.
  • Really, it’s the Rapture. So you know, stock up on Twinkies
  • WAIT WHAT? WHERE’S ALL THE TWINKIES
  • Roll Tide
  • Also Season 7 of Dexter was just this